A handful of years ago I was in a challenging place. Our life had changed completely. If you visit the blog or know me you would already know this. Just for the sake of the story I’ll tell you a what happened.
One thing that I should share is that I have depression. I have had it for many years. I am a pretty good faker, but mostly because it’s my struggle and I don’t want people to ask too much about it. I have had a lot of responsibilities while having depression, so I would say I’m high functioning (whatever that means). I mostly just do what I need to do and cry or be by myself when I get home. I’m telling you this because I’ve dealt with this for a long time, and if or when something big happens or changes, it can have a huge impact on my wellbeing.
Somehow I made it through a son entering the army, a son going to South Africa on a LDS Mission, and two daughters serving missions, one of which was out of the country. I am very protective and a worrier, so my kids growing up, and living somewhere out in the world is not fun. I was only able to handle this time and these experiences because of my faith in God and my understanding that it is actually a good thing and important for our kids to grow up and leave home and make their way in the world. We always knew that the end goal was to raise our kids and send them off into the unknown. We wanted them to be amazing, independent and make the world better for their being in it. That is what they did. They are wonderful. They are incredible people and I look up to them.
When our youngest Emily, our Bonus Baby came home from her mission we thought, “What’s next?” All of our children were living at home. Our oldest and his sweet wife Janet were living in our basement apartment, while they looked for a home. And the other two were working and deciding what they were going to do. All the kids were working to give us help with the bills and such. We knew we wouldn’t/couldn’t make ends meet without them. We were house poor when we bought our wonderful home, but wanted to stay as long as possible. We lived there for 18 years. We raised our kids there, we loved our neighbors and location…but, we knew it was time to move. We prayed and felt like we needed to put the house up for sale. We sold it in 2 months. Riley and Janet bought a house. Alex bought a house and the girls moved in with him.
In a 3 months period of time we got our youngest home from a mission, moved and became empty nesters. I mean when it’s right, it’s right! I knew it would be hard, but I also knew it was right. Things fell into place. Next was adjusting to all the new stuff, and missing my kids. Sniff, sniff, waaahhhhh!
We love our home! We love our neighbors and new friends. I was just so lonesome. So lonesome for my kids. I guess we really ripped the band-aid off! I had a few different jobs, but was really struggling with my depression and finally decided to stay home and do daycare. What that meant was I could feel sad now and then, and hold and love someone else’s kids while I try to adjust to this new normal. It helped. I love children and they love me.
On one occasion I was feeling super sad, and I said to Father in Heaven. “If you’ll help me feel better, I’ll do more.” Meaning I’ll love others more, I’ll leave my house and serve. I’ll bless others with my love. I was having a hard time just helping with the young women in our LDS Ward. I wanted to help, but totaling didn’t want to help. I didn’t want to leave the house. Tears came very easy. I cried so much during this time in my life. After I told Heavenly Father that I’d do more if He helped me feel better, the very next thought that came to my mind was, “If you’d do more, you’d feel better.” Very clear, very calm, that was the answer. I said out loud, “Damnit!” I didn’t want that answer! I knew that that was the right answer, because we forget ourselves when we serve, but I didn’t feel like it. I wanted to feel like it and then do better.
Doing what God wants is always good, but when we do it while we’re in the middle of pain, hardship or sorrow, it is actually doing something that will help us to be more Christlike. Serving, loving and helping another while you’re in pain is what Jesus did after He suffered in the Garden when He healed the guards ear. It’s what He did on the cross when He was in agony and He gave John charge over His Mama. He is our best and most wonderful example. I want to be like Him.
That was pure revelation for me. It was then and is now a guide to doing better. If I’m struggling to love, serve or help another and I don’t really want to do it- I know that’s ok, but I also know I’ll feel better after I do it. I’m so grateful for revelation. I’m so grateful that even in my weird chemical brain I have been blessed with inspiration. I just need to be still and open to it. I want any and all the inspiration that Heavenly Father is willing to give me. I know that He will inspire you too with what ever help you need. Be careful though, cause you might just have to do something you didn’t really want to do, but I promise you will feel better!